The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
