Kareoke will never be a sober sport
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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