they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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