The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
