Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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