I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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