I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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