We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize