this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I wish you could order shots online.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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