Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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