coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
