Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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