I showed him my bush... on skype.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
