haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
