Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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