Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
MIDGETS
????
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
