i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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