I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize