Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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