im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
