he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
