remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
