thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
