I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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