Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
