Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He shit in the fireplace
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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