What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
