take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize