he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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