i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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