Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
