If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
