There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
