I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
