Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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