Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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