Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
