idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
