he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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