My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
