I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize