we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
