two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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