I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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