Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
