My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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