I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
