she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
