TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
