I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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