She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize