my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
