So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
