Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
