He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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