I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
