No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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