he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
