Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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