Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
