My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
