Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Randomize
